When I thought about my life till now, I often felt disappointed. It seemed like my dreams, my reasons, my happiness… stopped in time of my school years. Insecurities that I had back then still existed, weighing on my chest. Even growing with time (is that an improvement?). This is probably why I was trembling when I got out of the building where my driving class was held this evening. I just wished it was over, this feeling of uselessness and frozen time.
There were four of us in that room, and a teacher. The girl behind me wanted to be a motorcyclist. The boy in the back corner was in fact already a motorcyclist and was now preparing for the category B. The girl on the left in a dress and long nails of deep navy blue was a student. And here was I, so old and yet so little.
Should I feel superior towards those kids? I should have, shouldn’t I? Yet, who was a kid and who was a grown-up in that room at that time? I should have been me and that would have been enough, probably. However, the me back then, I felt, was insufficient. I made mistakes; I was smiling hard, haha, to hide that stupidness. Hahaha, but that was not me. I felt anxious and ashamed that I wasted so many years before getting there and sitting with those people, among those four people, and it was me who was lacking. As if all those years, the experience I supposed to have had, was nonexistent.
I used to think, driving is a scary thing. You are trying to hold the beast still while the lives of others are in danger. Hold that dragon, for … sake!!! And then a tiny wish, a tiny drop of independence, of being able to help my family, of getting out of that comfort zone and doing things I should have done long ago… all those tibits of joy led me back. I might have been worried about the wrong dragon, though. Little did I knew that the real fear was just simply sitting next to people who were leading worthy proper lives and being less…
I felt so detached from the real world when I was getting out of that building just minutes ago. I felt naked in the evening sun, exposed and ashamed … that I have just tried to move on and was already so behind.